Monday, April 29, 2013

Day 1

Day 1:
Today would have been my father's 66 birthday. Generally a difficult day for me AND on top of that I had to go to the unemployment office this morning, which was a little stressful. I was pretty stressed out about it all last night as I downed a half a bottle of wine while thinking to myself "Okay, but SOON I will quit drinking."
This morning I thought to myself that today is a new day. A day that I can do whatever I want with. I started with the morning pages of meditation. Then I thought I would pull my card for the day. Using Doreen Virtue's "Mary Queen of Angels" deck (which I love because it looks like old style religious art and has gold leafed edges... and because it works freakishly well for me) I pulled these two cards. Well, technically these two cards flew out of my deck and landed on my bed.
As I looked at them I thought "What if every day I pulled a card and just did what it said?" And thus, a blog emerged.

Sobriety: My clear mind is easily able to focus and concentrate.
Mother Mary supports your intention to have a chemical-free lifestyle. She can guide your detoxification process and support you in choosing sobriety, one day at a time.
A clear and sober mind is better able to concentrate during meditation and prayer, in the same way that a sober driver can better steer an automobile in a straight line. Your prayers for help in this regard can also reduce or even eliminate cravings for unhealthful substances so that sobriety is a pleasant and peaceful choice. Mother Mary's love will give you the feelings of comfort, bliss and love that you once sought through substances.

OKAY!!! I hear you!!! Fine. No more drinking. It's okay. I can handle it. I think.

Open your heart: I allow myself to feel a full range of emotions, especially all forms of love.
This is a card with a very important message for you: spend less time thinking and analyzing and more time feeling and experiencing. Mother Mary asks you to open your heart more. She realizes that you may have some fears about being emotionally hurt and she offers to comfort, support and guide you.
Of all the components of your spiritual path, opening yourself up to experiencing love is most essential. Make the conscious choice to risk being hurt and drop your emotional defenses. Be vulnerable and real and allow others to get to know the true you. Mother Mary and Archangel Michael act as your shield so that you can be open and protected simultaneously.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God... NOOOOOOOO!!! Become more emotionally open?? I think I tried that in my childhood and teen years with hurtful and disastrous results. Didn't we all have this experience? You are completely yourself until you realize that more people will like you if you just hide certain elements. Or if you just wear black pants instead of orange ones... (I never would have given up my orange pants, you crazy!?)
I think I cried through at least half of my middle school/high school experience and then suddenly became a person who put their emotions away. Maybe around age 20? Well. I wasn't going to be that overly vulnerable, emotional girl anymore. You could not hurt me! I rejected all of my close friends and became something new. SOMETHING STRONG. Something with way less friends...
I know, I know, it blocked me and made it harder to have true relationships with people, but I was safer, right? And now you want me to just break down those barriers and go back to that emotionally driven kid? I don't know that I can do this!! GASP GASP GASP. Okay. It's just for one day. Just for today I will make my emotions known and see if I can even still access them from wherever I have hidden the majority.

Here we go!

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